He is escorted out. Then, saint Peter walks him into a hugh room filled with thousands and thousands of clocks, large and small, all shapes, all kinds. The man is puzzled. He asks, "What is this room full of clocks all about?" In a lecturing tone, saint Peter describes, "This is the room of souls. Each clock in the room represents a single human soul. The time on each clock represents how long each is to live.
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Which one is married?" "Well, uh she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?" "Naw he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think." tour handwriting of heaven A man dies and goes to heaven. Expecting a long line, he is surprised to see nobody there at all, except for an angel sitting in a chair with his feet up on a table. "Hello there said the angel, "I'm saint marketing Peter, welcome to heaven!" "Thank you, saint Peter said the man, "where is everyone?" "Well, you're in luck. Today is just a very slow day, and to make the time pass, i like to give tours to the new arrivals. Would you enjoy a complete guided tour of heaven?" "Gosh, i'd love a tour of heaven. Lead on, saint Peter, lead." Well, saint Peter takes him everywhere. They go to hear the heavenly Choir, three hundred angels singing on high. They go to the Great Hall of saints and the Great Temple of Martyrs and the man is just overwhelmed. Finally, saint Peter take him to the Throne room of God himself. The man's heart skips a beat, and the light at the far end of the room just blinds him to the point that he can't stand it any longer.
A man with a gun shoots one she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the father's wire?" "None the boy says with authority. "Tell me how you came up with that." "It's simple says the boy, "after the man shot one bird, the noise from the gun scared the other two away." "Well she says, "that's not technically correct, but I like the way you think." "Thanks chimes. "There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked innocently. The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon the boy said impatiently, "which one is it, the one licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?
She asked if we go by the dairy, and I told her we go by the ballpark. She said "Shit, i'm on the wrong bus!" and got off." Three birds on a wire a teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem. After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following story: "Billy, father's there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?" thesis The boy pauses. "None he replied thoughtfully. Let's try again, maybe you didn't hear me correctly the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire.
So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts. Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus. There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange. She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the hell were you doing?" "Listen lady states the gruff bus driver, "the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute. She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we make many stops. I told her that this was the express.
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I chose them at random from a long List that I started many years ago. Hopefully you and/or your audience haven't heard them all yet. Most of these stories are rated. A few are rated R because of limited profanity or adult topics, and a few are of questionable taste. Feel free to change a word here and there; as I mentioned above, always tailor them to your audience. Here's a list of the seventy stories (actually there are more than seventy stories, in case you've heard a couple of them). If you are reading this on a web browser, they are hotlinked.
Lady gets on a bus A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver. The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture and waves all his fingers at her. The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with prezi her left hand. Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist anger at her. The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently.
Sometimes a mid-joke reference to something familiar to the listener is helpful. If you are describing, say, a large sandwich, describe it terms that your audience will visualize (a hero, a dagwood, a subway, a hoagie, a submarine sandwich) - that is, always tailor your story to the audience for maximum effect Remember your story (the setup). Don't rush just to get to the punchline - milk the story for all it's worth The longer stories are harder to learn but are often more impressive to your audience. If it's a complicated story that they couldn't remember well enough to tell themselves, they will be more impressed with your skill - and more apt to listen to you the next time you have a clever story naturally gauge your audience's tolerance to profanity. Timely use of profanity can be quite effective for emphasis but be careful not to turn off your audience. The same goes for stories of questionable taste.
Always err on the side of being too clean. A handy rule of thumb is: "Could I tell this story to the pta?" like anything worth doing, it is worth doing well. Thus practice is the key. Practice with your wife, girlfriend, buddy, anyone who will put up with your new attempts and humor. Even use a tape recorder. Gauge their feedback (laughter or lack of it) and compensate for it the next time you tell the story. These days you may want to create a channel and tell your stories to the world! But first it is best to learn how to get more views on before wasting time making a video that no one will ever see. Here is a selection of seventy stories, some short, some long, a couple i wrote, some i embellished, and some i heard over the years.
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If your audience is hurried, or moving, or has a shorter attention span, speed up the delivery. Some stories might be enhanced if told with an accent or in a dialect of some type - long use your judgement with regard to its appropriateness. And with your ability to deliver a convincing voice. Feel free to tailor your story to your style and your audience - you never have to tell it the way it's written or even the same way twice. Do not mince words, enunciate clearly - stay with the story - keep your audience focused, try to relate to your audience by making eye contact with a few members - show them you care about them getting it and they'll be more attentive, avoid. Use pregnant pauses for dramatic effect - used sparingly, a good pause makes a funny story even funnier - it takes some people a second or two longer to get themselves ready for a punchline anyway normally a casual entrance into a joke or story. Begin with ".so i was walking." or ".I heard about this woman." or ".there was this guy." I have found that beginning with "Did you hear type about." or "I have a good joke." or "Let me tell you a good one i heard." makes most. The more casual approach lets the listeners draw themselves into the story.
You learn to critique other story-tellers to improve your own technique. Let me teach you how to tell a good story. Let me list for you the important general highlights of telling a good story. These are given in no particular order because each situation and story deserves individual attention. But here are the important ideas: Get your audience involved in the story by using voice dynamics, hand gestures, and facial cues - the idea is to make your audience visualize that they are in the situation of the story - oh, and a physical. Use descriptive terms that appeal to the five senses to draw a better picture for your audience - sight, sound, smell, taste, feel. Attempt essay to pace the story in accordance with the "pace" of your audience, that is, if your audience is relaxed, then the delivery can afford to be slower.
use them when you are called upon to speak in front of crowds. You can entertain people - even those of the opposite sex. By sharing stories, you encourage others to tell you their best stories. You can break the ice in virtually any social environment. A good, funny story is always welcome - you become more popular. You can learn and hone communication skills through joke-telling.
Before reading further, please be aware of this! I am not a comedian, but i am a professional ex-salesman and teacher. I make my living teaching and selling to people. One of the most successful products I have had in my stock has been my sense of humor and ability to be funny when telling a humorous story. Let me show you literature how. I have always preferred the story over the one-liner; not only are they funnier but they last longer. For a salesman that is important. I have won over many customers with my story-telling skills, but in fact you probably don't care. But you're here, so that means you care about winning over some "customers" of your own, so on wit' da show!
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Server Error - the lancashire Grid for learning. While every effort has been made to ensure that this Web site functions without any problems, an unforseen error has occured and processing has been stopped. Please try the following: Click the refresh button, or try again later. If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. Open the home page, and then look for links to the information you want. Click the back button to try another link. You may wish to try one of the links below, which we hope will enable you to find the information you need: If this problem persists please let us year know by email. 70 Humorous Stories and How to tell Them. Note: There is some r-rated language in this area.